Alternating Current

I was on my way back home from a friend’s place. I was in a rickshaw and thanks to all the sky walks and metro rails being constructed, it was like taking a step and then standing still for a moment of eternity, then another step and then a moment of eternity, so on and so forth. I was blankly staring at the vehicles around and wondered at the sheer frustration that had enveloped the entire area. The helplessness, the inability, everyone wanting to make it to the same destination, yet stuck there powerless. People honking, people fighting, people shouting, but somehow a weird kind of silence had roofed my ears. Things gradually started to distort and there was a rewind. I was slipping into another world – a world familiar yet mysterious, a world comforting yet unsettling, a world hushed yet deafening, a world promising yet distrustful, a world of my own, me and my thoughts. And before I could grasp, I was sliding deeper and deeper into this chasm.

A free fall, a blank mind, a release from all the chaos, I wanted to just keep going deeper until a sprint of ongoing thoughts bumped into me, arresting every bit of the void in me. It broke my tranquil, it made me think. Why am I like this? Why is it that I know what to do but never end up doing it? Why is it that I know where I’m going wrong but can’t correct it? Why aren’t repeated stoppages helping me learn?

Why is it that I always want what I don’t have? Is it human nature or is it just me? When I’m full of activity and battling with time, I keep complaining about not having time to follow what nurtures deep within me. When I have time at my disposal, I feel I’m stuck at this one moment motionless. When I have the liberty to sleep till late, I suddenly feel this urge to sink into the depth of the earl. And when I just have to wake up early every morning, I miss the starry nights and the insomnia. When I have my brush with success, I want more and more of it, and something that was a thirst suddenly turns to something ‘reachable anyway’. When I’m happy, I want to get a glimpse of melancholy to enrich my happiness further. And when I’m sad, I crave for the meaningless laughter. When I’m angry, I want to be a composed person and when I’m composed, I want to leave it all and go berserk. When I’m shopping, I want everything that defines my style and when I’m back home, I want to give it all up and slip into a pair of tracks, a loose t-shirt and favourite pair of socks. When I’m home in my comfort zone, I want to go out and make merry; and when I’m out I want go home, listen to music and unwind.

It’s just that I always want the reverse. It’s just that the currents in me keep alternating. It’s just that the passion in me keeps getting more intense. It’s just that every belief finds a believer. It’s just that every thirst gets thirstier. It’s just that every wonder makes me wander endlessly. It’s just that my mind is a fluid space that keeps merging into worldly shores and the sands of thoughts – the more I try to capture them, the further they slip away. It’s just that my mind is a garden and the grass of thoughts spreads itself upon me till my entity reflects just them.

“Left ke Right, Madam, left ke right?” A sudden forward to reality and I realized that it was the rickshaw driver. I took a second to comprehend and then replied “Right”. I had reached the lane near my house. My thoughts had flown endlessly and so had the meter. “Bas yahaan par rok dijiye”. Finally alighted bringing both to a halt. Still on the bridge connecting the two worlds, I took the stairs that led me home.

Bubble Trouble!

There was this time when the only thing that found way to my ears was the economic slowdown and how badly the USA was hit by the same. Around friends, family, media, strangers, the talk of the town was the way the USA was affected by the recession - so much so that i remember i spent an entire night trying to figure out every detail about the sub prime crisis, how and why the reality bubble burst, how it was going to affect the world over, and all of that. That night, wikipedia came to my rescue.


Speculations and opinions, all over the place. Suddenly the USA had become a thing not as much sought after, and every individual, well read or otherwise, was turning into a financial analyst. Each one had to predict how long it would take to walk out of this soup, how the employment would get affected, why people were committing suicided over there, how a lot of things happening were unethical, et al. I must admit, I could see words flowing out of my mouth too.


We were all so lost in this whirlpool, little did we realise we were becoming a part of it and our speculations would soon come handy to our own souls. One day the stock market crashed and so did a lot of hopes. We were approaching the same ends that we criticised, but staying in our comfort zones, we didn't let the fear reach us. A lucky few, I'd say. My parents and friends didn't really lose their jobs, how do i know what is this thing that is driving people insane?

That was the time, I was all happy and unaffected by the recession, as I (along with many) was preparing for higher education, and didn't have a job to fear losing it. I had created a recession proof bubble around me - a bunch of hopes, a plan and some positive thinking did the trick. Little did I expect that the recession could affect me in ways unthinkable.

And then there was this day, when I realise things didn't exactly fall into place as per my plan and that I needed to consider alternatives (career prospects/higher education). And here began the recession spell!

It cursed every bit of my plan. Every decision that I had to take regarding my career was now doomed by the evil of 'Recession'. I thought - 'May be I could work for another year and then study further' - but once again, he won. Speaking to family/friends/people in the industry, I realised that wouldn't be the best choice as recruitments had been frozen. Then I consider studying abroad and people say that it may not be worth pumping in so much money as you may not even get a job to recover the money spent. I then realised that everything i was dreaming of is bound to be screwed by this evil monster.

And then i think, how in the first place did i think that i was the lucky? How stupid could i be to not see things happening around and learn from it? My answer hadn't reached too far. I realised that to escape the effects, I had closed myself in a shell with only good things around. In that world, recession was something that couldn't have affected me. I had a plan and how could things not be perfect, afterall it was a figment of my imagination, my world.


In a moment, I was forced to break open from the shell. And this world ain't perfect. Here, my dreams are cursed, my plans are cursed, my ideas are cursed, my every thought is cursed. Damn you, you monstrous killer. You aren't gonna live too long. Enjoy your high till we find ways to ignore you and walk ahead!

It's just a matter of a few more thoughts...